Seeing as i cant yet speak, ive been lost in thought for most of the week. After finishing On The Road, I can honestly say its been the finest and most relevant book ive read.. it is celebrated and honored for good reason. I respect more then ever that Avery lives where he once did, somewhere described maybe in The Dharma Bums, the next novel on my list to read. Reading Kerouac, i find so many parallels between my perception of life and relations to people with those of Sal Paradise (who reminds me so, so much of Dad; he lives where life takes him and doesnt worry about where hed end up. except of couse Dad is not a writer but an artist).
But ive been thinking so much about how life was with Sal and Dean. Those guys, they could meet anybody anywhere, from a gas station in the middle of nowhere to a jazz bar in Frisco (as they call it , heh.) and start up the most compelling conversations that would last hours and hours. Just pouring their souls to complete strangers. No need to be self concious or gaurded, one could say what their deepest feelings and revelations on the world and rat race. People would just listen and understand... People shared so much, all anyone wanted was to get their kicks and reach out.
I feel like no one can talk like that anymore. Im often frustrated by how many boundaries people around me put up, only talking of petty things, popular things, often with a fear of awkwardness and rejection. Its because many people do reject outsiders, so caught up in appearing higher and classier. If we could all stop giving a damn about the formalities, the standard uncomfort of meeting new people. Maybe its because im just not like most people and i cant seem to connect with just anyone to get a bit furthur then smalltalk. Only over the past year did i come to know a few people who could meet me halfway.. some of the best people ive known in my life. We talked and talked, giving and sharing experiences and my insane thoughts. An exception to the trend ive seen pretty frequently is at parties, when the people present are in a mental state that lets them be friendlier without regard for any impressions they might be making. (incidentally, Sal and Dean also love to hop from town to town, getting absurdly inebrieated). In this way alcohol and other intoxicants seem to be the easiest ways to incite socialization.
Now that i havent got anyone i know around me, and its completely up to me to engage myself with my classmates, I see now just how far my personality can take me in terms of getting people to like me. I always have to be on, trying as hard as i can to converse and make impressions. Between the eternal headache of italian school and functioning in this foreign country, i have yet to feel like doing any of the above. Im so damn tired all the time, i have no energy left for constant socializing... But by gad im going to. Lord knows when ill finally get the hang of it all and feel like myself again.
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2 comments:
I really should be doing APUSH right now but I'm doing this instead:
1. People were still really reserved back then, maybe even more so. Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady were exceptional human beings--my brother says that if he could hang out with anyone, it would be Neal Cassady (and whenever his name is brought up around the table, my mother invariably asks, "What band is he in?"). I'll send you The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Tests for another perspective on his life, but Neal Cassady is like, an American hero for no other reason except that he had a lot of fun. He is the ultimate Fimmie. But think about the forties-people were buttheads all over the place. It was just safer to get involved with weird people by like, hitchhiking. If they hung out with your average workaday Americans, they'd a) run into the same bullshit and b) be thrown out on their asses. I could talk about this all day, but basically, you're right, people are fake all day and don't even really realize it. And Neal Cassady was super duper hip.
2. You said that you're always on, socially, which was a goal I set for myself in France and failed miserably. But you ARE on, and I never really did that, so you are meeting your goals, at least at this point. I never talked to ANYone...so you're a pretty amazing kid.
That's interesting, about the small talk. When I was your age (don't laugh) I also despised small talk, but now, as I have become more, I don't know, experienced dealing with people, I've come to realize that small talk has an important social function. It helps people suss you out, take a little while to understand how you talk, your body language, what your general moods are, and then eventually, to trust you a little. It's the formal first step in "getting to know someone." It's like a little meeting dance (do I really WANT to get to know this person, or are they insuffrable?) Anyhoo, my 2¢. Love ya, bro.
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